MLK, Love and Shifting out of the backslide

Today’s Martin Luther King Jr. Day and MLK’s life and legacy is deeply rooted in non-violence, community building and envisioning and inspiring a more equitable and just world. 

In the face of a society that was (and still is) racist, xenophobic and economically unjust, MLK reflected:

Your goals, which perhaps are intertwined with building a more loving life and world, have tremendous potential and possibility. 

And at times my goals, perhaps yours, feel sentimental and anemic. There is nothing behind them except a desire in my heart AND I’m not working toward them. Essentially those goals are in a place of stagnation or a backslide. 

January is a month of stepping into new intentions and goals and yet, so many people call it quits by this point in 2025. And so last week, I shared a few tricks in dealing with a backslide.

Today we’ll be layering on the power of love to support you in a backslide. 

Bridging the gap to shift gears out of a backslide can be a matter of not attacking yourself, and rather loving yourself with self-compassion. 

In the words of acclaimed self-compassion researcher and expert, Dr. Kristin Neff, “I have defined self-compassion as having 3 main components: (a) self-kindness versus self-judgment, (b) a sense of common humanity versus isolation, and (c) mindfulness versus overidentification.”¹ 

SELF-KINDNESS 

Dr. Neff reflects that, ”Self-kindness refers to the tendency to be caring and understanding with oneself rather than being harshly critical or judgmental.”¹

Thinking about being supportive to yourself, how you would soothe and comfort a good friend if they were in a pickle, like they were biking up a hill and suddenly they got a flat tire. 

How would you respond as a good friend ? 

Would you yell at them and go “you are a terrible cyclist”? Absolutely not! A good friend in my book, would stop, get off their saddle and bend over to assess the situation. A good friend would be by their side. 

Dr. Neff sees self-kindness to be responding to your own heart and situation as a good friend would.

COMMON HUMANITY

“Common humanity,” according to Dr. Neff, “involves recognizing that all humans are imperfect, fail and make mistakes. It connects one's own flawed condition to the shared human condition so that greater perspective is taken towards personal shortcomings and difficulties.”¹ 

So in this flat tire scenario, you’d not see this as a sign that you aren’t meant to be part of a community of cyclists. In fact, getting a flat tire means you are one of the bunch. Life happens and shortcomings are part of the package. 

MINDFULNESS 

Lastly, “Mindfulness, the third component of self-compassion, involves being aware of one's present moment experience in a clear and balanced manner so that one neither ignores nor ruminates on disliked aspects of oneself or one's life.”¹

Sometimes when I bike, I wear a pair of nonprescription glasses to protect my eyes. So in this flat tire scenario, mindfulness would look like metaphorically taking my glasses off for a moment to clear the schmutz² and then take stock of the situation.

What’s actually going on here? Perhaps I’m feeling gratitude to have my patch kit, but also feeling worried about my ability to fix the flat? 

HOW SELF-COMPASSION CAN HELP YOU GREASE YOUR CHAIN TO GET OUT OF A BACKSLIDE 

Okay, now you might be thinking. Yes, yes, yes. That sounds great- be nice to yourself, but why does this have anything to do with a backslide or reaching your goals?

Here’s what the research says, people who practice self-compassion, want to feel a sense of health and well-being¹, and therefore are more likely to

• take greater personal initiative to make needed changes¹

• people who are self-compassionate don’t beat themselves up when they fail and are more able to acknowledge mistakes, modify behaviors that aren’t working and say yes to new challenges. ¹

So people who practice self-compassion can shift gears and get over the bumps in life more easily. 

And in a study of self-compassion in classroom settings, “self-compassion was positively associated with mastery goals for learning and negatively associated with performance goals. Thus, self-compassionate individuals are motivated to learn and grow, but for intrinsic reasons – not because they want to garner social approval.”¹ 

So people who are self-compassionate are more intrinsically motivated to grow and therefore learn from their behavior and mistakes to make them happen. 

There are so many great resources out there to cultivate self-compassion in your life:

• Dr. Neff has a clearinghouse of resources to support you

• Having gotten to meditate with Dr. Sylvia Boorstein about a decade ago, this short meditation on loving kindness, is a great starting place

• Sharon Salzberg annually has a meditation challenge in February. I did this a few years back and it was a nice way to upshift my practice!

What’s something you are backsliding in right now? How could you talk to yourself like a friend to honor the challenge? 

Wheels up, 

Ellen

1  Neff K. D. (2009). The Role of Self-Compassion in Development: A Healthier Way to Relate to Oneself. Human development, 52(4), 211–214. https://doi.org/10.1159/000215071

2  Yiddish for dirt and grime