what's possible? holding the grief & gratitude

“What’s possible?” the facilitator called out, a room of dozens of professionals smiling with nametags made out of tree cookies dangling from their necks. 

What’s possible? I pondered. Perhaps rest? Perhaps nourishing meals and laughter? Perhaps a new friendship? 

I was attending a 3 day retreat at the Pearlstone Retreat Center north of Baltimore, Maryland and in the fog of the valley of my post-election grief and navigating the receding daylight, this question seemed radical and counter to my exhaustion. 

Then that evening, I was literally on the floor explosive with laughter during a session of laughter yoga. The following day, I petted and fed sheep and felt the smile continuing to grow. And then, I faced the unforgiving cold, as I stepped into a cold plunge surrounded by spectacular humans, as we sang a beautiful melody. 

Three days of pause, of retreat, of rest brought me so many possibilities I hadn’t originally dreamt were possible. But at my core, when I had signed up, I knew that time was exactly where I needed to be.

As 2024 concludes, I look back on vision boards and dreams I had for 2024. 

Some of those dreams feel far away. Some of those visions feel exceptionally close and completed. 

And then there are the possibilities I stepped into in 2024 that I hadn’t even dreamt. 

As I return to my vision board and dreams for 2024, part of me wants to hang my head and say, “I didn’t do enough.”

The close of a year can raise grief. For the dreams and visions that didn’t come to fruition. 

The close of the year can raise grief. For the moments that I let pass me by. 

The close of the year can raise grief. For the people I wish were by my side. 

This year, I’m holding the grief and the gratitude. Because there is chock full of plenty that has been enough and abundant. 

If my expectations of an exceptional year is me completing all my dreams, I’m truly never going to be content with life.

But if my expectations of an exceptional year are growing myself and moving towards, even in micro-moments, becoming the woman and leader I envision being, I can hold with a more expansive heart the beauty and the challenge of the year.

On a call this week, concluding my Wild Gift Fellowship, a huge cornerstone of my 2024, the Executive Director, Cassidy Cichowicz reflected, “Success can definitely be about the process and not necessarily the end point...or upholding values!” 

Northstars of dreams and visions are beautiful things to cycle towards. 

And continuing to adapt to the path and life can be just as valuable as reaching my destination. 

As you reflect on your 2024, I hope you hold with care and compassion the dreams and vision that you: stepped towards, let lay in waiting, and perhaps abandoned all together. 

It’s okay to feel the grief, the gratitude and the possibilities all at once. 

Wheels up,

Ellen

PS- We are considering throwing a low key bike ride and tea time on Sunday, December 29th from 1-3pm in Washington, DC. We’d gather for tea for about 1 hour (indoors!) and then go a brief bike ride. If this is of interest to you, please send me an email at [email protected] . This would be a donation based gathering.